in my dictionary, there's hardly me.
there's only person A, person B, person C......the list goes on.
why am i making myself so insignificant.
cant get through the barrier...
i still cant...
yes i sill think and care too much.

i admit.

i admit. i'm weak. i'm frail.
i have to strengthen the mind.
to withstand the overwhelming loneliness.
why other people can do it.
but i cant.
the tears...
i can't let those who care for me to be worried about me.
i must be strong for them.

UK!

hello everyone! blogging from UK now.
surviving.
i'll update more next time. bye!

selamat tinggal tanahairku. till we meet again.

approximately 24 hours more.
to those who have been loving and caring for me unconditionally, thank you.
to those who have made me angry and sad, thank you.
to you, thank you.
no apologies here. at least not for the moment.
goodbye.
till we meet again.

cheers,
Shien.

chillax.

been sooo long since i get to rest at home, reading a book, sitting in front of the computer, enjoying my precious time alone.

it feels good... seeing peace among chaos... crapping here as crappily as i wish...

sooo lazy.... off to read~

heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy=)

hello i'm back!!
after several months...
what was i doing for the past few months...
hmm...
loads of stuffs=)
happy ones, sad ones...

will try to resume active in blogging...
esp when i'm in uk...
to tell everyone how bad and/or good am i living my life there...
yes peeps i'm leaving in 6 days time
to sheffield, somewhere near manchester...
yea doing year 2 psychology...
omg omg omg omg omg
(seriously what's so big deal about it... nooooooo laaaa i'm sooo nervous!!)
i'm amazed by my monologue skills...T.T

hanged out with s5-ians again today. last meeting with them before i leave malaysia.
as usual, had really really really loads of fun with them =)=)=)
seriously if time could be reversed i would have appreciated them alot more instead of putting myself in dilemma over certain stuffs dont ask...
anyway, i believe that our bonds will be strong as always...
<3 s5!

time is running out...
the beginning of an end...

SUJU SARANGHAE^^

Super Show 2 is awesome awesome awesome.
everyone's good=)
but i'm not that crazy anymore la since my prefrontal cortex is quite developed already (non-psych majors pls just bear with me)

and erm...some self-developed sleeping philosophies:

1. when you're stressed out with anything that's related to courseworks, and you did all you could about it, and you think that if you continue to do it'll just further prove how stupid you are. go sleep.

2. when you start to say before you think. go sleep.

3. when you're developing more hypothetical thoughts than realistic thoughts. go sleep.

4. when you're getting emo. go sleep.

5. when you start thinking you're such a failure. and everything's against you. go sleep.

6. in short, when you think life sucks. go sleep.


there. more reasons/excuses to sleep more=)

life is meant to be enjoyed. and be at peace at the same time.

chocolate is sweet for the moment.

i like my hair now. not too straight and not too curly.
am waiting for pp to take pics for me to post it up because i really dont feel like camwhoring XD
and erm..
some people still sucked.
and some totally rocked my life.

tired.
not doing anything.
i wanna live by the sea and play the piano all day long.

mixed feelings...
dreamssssssssss.

glad that i managed to strive past 'death week'=)
i think the only things i screwed up are trial run and 212 midterm (one of my most disastrous midterms ever).
i am to be blamed for most part. sigh.

current mood is actually worst than last week probably because after being so bz and hectic but eventful and 过着充实愉快的生活...the emptiness is settling in. and it's creeping in fast.

and i have the feeling that good times will be up soon. thriving to be content every moment and not being too attached to external possessions.

time to build up the wall again. wall of defense and mental toughness.

time to be independent and face tough and lonely times..alone.

time to fully utilize my prefrontal cortex in defense to my amygdala which is ever-so-active. (amazed that the anti-bio person is speaking bio here)

time to ignore the partpeed. otherwise i'll be in deep shit.

)=

美丽的大海,包含了一切

preparation for 203 midterms:
1/3 2:30pm start first chapter.
2/3 11:00am finished first chapter.
2/3 3:00pm finished three chapters.
2/3 3:30-4:15pm finished the REMAINING THREE chapters.

i'm impressed with myself. blueh.

totally distracted from essay and preparation for trial run because of this song.



T.T

light. bright. delight.

weekends are great.
merely getting together and talk abt the same thing over and over again is awesome already.
unlike most of the weekdays where i've been mentally rehearsing what i need to do for 201, 203, 204, 212... and few seconds later it'll be 201, 203, 204, 212 again and again even when i'm in my first stage of sleep just to make sure i didnt leave anything out. obligation cum obsession )= the habit's hard to break.

'death week' awaiting. because
2nd and 4th march midterms.
3rd march trial run. (omg omg omg)
5th march pal tutor and assignment due.

still searching.

Friendship.

Friendship:

- "Friendship is the cooperative and supportive relationship between people, or animals. In this sense, the term connotes a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, affection, and respect along with a degree of rendering service to friends in times of need or crisis." (Wikipedia, 2010)

- my definition for the past n years: about the same as stated above. i've always delved in friendship with pure and sincere intentions.

-my updated definition: i would like to add another statement to reinforce the definition. without mutual respect, friendship becomes a form of manipulation where the victim will be controlled like a puppet. friendship is at times, beastly.


will still study a bit because i duwan to disappoint those who really care for me.

that's all i wanna say today.

做人要惜福
还是活在当下吧=)

as expected, i met a lot of pp during cny.
but unexpectedly the excitement and passion of meeting everyone is diminishing.
not because the pp are less awesome
no worries friends, you pp still rock=)
perhaps the perception of impermanence is permeating through my brain holes (not literally of course).
also perhaps it's an excuse to neglect my awaiting....errands.

i'm tired.

and hmm...

february is good. so far.

once again, thank you peeps for adding colors to my life=)

and btw, should i continue to contemplate whether or not to be motivated?

lack of extrinsic motivation? (though it's the intrinsic that counts)

oh, and i'm feeling incompetent almost every friday 12:30 to 2:30pm.

i'm updating=)

THAM YING HUI IS AWESOME!!! XD

'nuff said=)
can't wait to see vege gang on friday.
and s5 gang on saturday.
and er....
aiya i dunno what to update lah.
bye.

appreciation.

note: boring post. seriously.

i wandered in the library aimlessly searching for a comp to do my assignment when one of my tutees who's a Korean mum approached me for Stats homework.
so i thought her the basic stuffs and i was utterly shocked that ms W already taught them ANOVA which is supposed to be taught end of the semester. no wonder they couldnt understand what she said. and i felt my burden as a tutor increasing because i'm doubting my ability to prepare them for ms W's lectures.
and the conversation became more informal when i suggested she should teach me Korean language in return and we began talking about Boys Over Flower and Beethoven Virus=) and she also shared with me her hardships she's undergoing as a mother and as a student. i really pity her because she has so many responsibilities in hand and she's always burning the midnight oil to attempt to digest what ms W said in class. and she's not complaining a single bit. which makes me wonder why am i complaining because of *toot toot toot*. (dont ask, people who know, they know)
although i'm only approaching 20 and i shouldnt be comparing with the Korean tutee, but i should start to learn how to bear more responsibilities in the CORRECT manner. "compassion should come with wisdom", as what dad said, but i'm totally not living up to that.
i've learnt in psychology that people who're in the situation (in this case me) tend to make situational attributions by blaming external factors when things are not going the way we want. and i totally agree with that. i know the external factors that i'm having now totally suck....sucks BIG TIME....but i should learn to overcome all these and acquire wisdom from this matter but seriously i dunno what to do.
at times i thought of neglecting all my obligations and responsibilities since it really doesnt matter to me at this point of time (again, those who know, they know). but i'm fully aware that this is just a sign of avoidance, and it's not going to do me any good. the perfectionist self is bugging me to give it all even though i'm not responsible for its consequences at this point of time. i feel stupid.
nevertheless, i'm glad that there're people out there who sincerely care for me and are really concerned whether i'm still breathing normally or not. and even though i'm not being normal i'll still tell them i'm normal because i duwan them to worry for me. (the word breathing is just an analogy) and seriously, i thank you all for that because you guys are seriously awesome but i'm also really sorry that i've been complaining a hell lot these days. and i'm having a bad feeling that i'll break down again next month. as for those *toooooooooot* i dunno what to say but erm, thanks for letting me know that i've been stupid all these while? as people always say, enemy makes us grow up. so i should really bow down to you guys that i'm really experiencing some tough mental grow up?
i feel so much better after typing all these. i'm still surviving. even if i'm not, i'll live up to it.
hwaiting!!

big. huge. enormous. warmth.

a few of the gang including me went to X's house 3 hours before the housewarming+bday party started... (NOTE: X does not wish to state his/her name here. so even if you really know who X is, please dont blurt it out here tqvm)

and it was totally worth it because...

1. it's a 3-storey bungalow.
2. there's a mini waterfall in which the water flows into the pond with really nice and big japanese koi inside.
3. there's a 'greenhouse' where there're lots of flowers in it. you know smtg like those gardens in Cameron Highlands if you've been there before.
4. her dad has a collection of orchids stored in an air-conditioned room. that's why we said that the flowers are more 幸福 than us.
5. the AV room ceiling has two rows of LED lights where it changes color all the time.
6. once you enter the main door there's this vast space for guests which is very close to the size of a ballroom.
6. (i find this most amazing) there's an ELEVATOR which can fit 3 pp in it. i tried that once=)

and many more...

so we took advantage of the karaoke and sang for a few hours. and it's good to be with them again although recently we've been meeting each other quite often eh hahaha...

and i finally cut my hair. my head is so much lighter now. phew.

and i baked cookies for cny.

and i'll be out soon to celebrate kak's bday with the same gang again.

which means i've been neglecting my assignments once again and seriously, i dont feel guilty yet.

life is about enjoying, and i totally agree with that=)

noob.

had my very first tutorial today as a tutor. tutees are juniors who're taking Quantitative Methods (Stats) this sem.
firstly i showed a very bad example to them by being late for half an hour. i have my reasons )=
and my impatience caused my car to langgar divider for the umpteenth time.
as for the tutoring part, i think i did horribly.
lotssss of room for improvement!><

had to choose btwn 3 events to attend at night.
1. cousin's wedding dinner.
2. help's charity concert and auction.
3. yumcha with jiayi and gang.

i decided to be a good girl and attended 1. in the end, the first dish was only served at 9pm and i forgot i couldnt eat a lot of things because of my piercing. (note: yes dudes, i went to pierce my ears for the very first time.) now you see why i'm so indecisive huh....because every decision that i make is a mistake>< turned out that 2 and 3 were so much more entertaining. and xj if you see this, i'm still very glad for you hahaha...

and life at uni? hmm...

rant.

it's perfectly reasonable to express my desire of quitting help just because of the parking.
they can't just clamp the cars because there's absolutely not enough for us.
i waited at main block for 30 mins today.
then laiwei and i decided to go around the area to look for parking.
so paid 3 bucks without even parking.
and we went to pusatbandardamansara, menara millenium, metro tower, hostel etc. etc.
and we decided to go back to main block again to wait><
the whole process of finding parking took an effing 1.5 hours.
damn shit.

this is one of my many other rants. thank you.

first day of psy201. and more.

psy201 lecturer came in for the first lesson at 2:10. and the first thing she said... (before she even greet the class)

lecturer: class, i want u to take out a piece of A4 paper, cut into four's. and we'll have a quiz now.

class: shit shit shit.

and the quiz was about stuffs that we learnt one year ago><
and apparently there's supposed to be FOURTEEN quizzes this semester o.O

after explaining her very strict requirements for the assignments
and after lecturing on factorial design which put the class into a deep state of confusion...

lecturer: okay we'll have another quiz now on factorial design.

class: ................

and expectedly i found most of my answers wrong when she discussed it...
i really hope i could pass this subject ><"

***

the following day i was rushing from wisma help to kpd bcoz i was already 5 mins late for the next class.
and guess what, i met the Dean in the lift, and he's the lecturer of the class i'm rushing to.

me: Hi Dr. XXX...
Dean: going for class?
me: Yes, to your class. *super embarassed*
Dean: ohhh...*smiles*

and he started asking me about the subjects i'm taking, where am i transferring to blah blah blah.
and along the way, passer-bys were wondering why a student was chatting with the Dean...

***

i'm working on 7 assignments concurrently. yeay.
year 2 is seriously a big leap from year 1.
and i'm feeling stupid because i used to complain how hard year 1 was.
sigh.

i'm back because i see flies everywhere.

those who have not seen my taiwan pics pls go to fb=)
class started.
year 2 is seriously a big leap from year 1.

this sem's subjects:
psy201 advanced research methodology
psy203 child development
psy204 adolescent and adult development
psy212 educational psychology (this is an elective)

psy201 and 204 have colloquium>< means there's group presentation at the auditorium with possibly hundreds of students and evil lecturers asking you super difficult questions. yeay.

and this is most probably my last sem in help. UCAS if you see this pls accept ALL my applications!!!!

and last sem's results:
psy112 introduction to psychology 2. B+
within my expectation.
lls101 leadership and life skills. A-
was actually hoping for an A but oh well..A- is good enough i suppose...
mch202 public speaking. A-
i tot from his way of conspiring against me, i would get a B. so i'm happy with this=)
eco101 principles of microeconomics. A-
commendable.



annica = impermanence
dukha = suffering
anata = non-self


can't wait for cny=)

I AM BACK XD.

taiwan's awesome!!!!!!!!!!

and....

i couldnt elaborate more coz i woke up at 4am today.

so till we meet again =)